It's so complicated. If we know we shine bright, vibrate at a high frequency, have much more energy than some, are we meant to keep on shining bright, or are we meant to dim our bulbs for fear of not fitting in? How do we get along? I'm often told that my energy is intense and scares most people. My heart sinks. The last thing I want is to bother anyone. It's a lifetime of not fitting in, that I've just grown used to, and yes, sometimes I do purposely dim my bulb to try to not make waves. I'm just a big old freak who loves life. I'm creative in that I see a play, a painting, a song in everything-and to me, life is sweet and juicy and fun. I know I exhaust the hell out of people who don't quite know how to have fun. What's worse, they think I don't see the eye rolls and sighs when I speak of something creative. It used to really hurt my feelings. I've been misjudged as crazy, or aggressive, or flighty, and sometimes even snooty. Those rare few real friends know different. They know I'm just a really funny human having an authentic experience and I learn fast and laugh at myself a lot along the way and write a few poems about it. So, the question remains, are we to shine brighter, even if sometimes it explodes dim lightbulbs? Are we to keep on shining, despite the stern judgements and queer looks. "I just don't know what to make of her..." Or must we dim our bulbs in order to survive socially? Must we pretend not to hear the passive aggressive manipulations, the condescending comments, the grey alien hive mind stifling our inner goddessness? :)
And what pray tell do we teach our bright children? With this in mind, my inclination is flagrant shining. Sadly, that doesn't make too many friends in Stepford.
Thoughts?
How did this beautiful creature crawl into my mind and share my thoughts and feelings? You, my love are envied! Insecurities are always thrown about as hate. I always feel so sorry for the haters. Carry on and SHINE ON YOU CRAZY DIAMOND!
ReplyDeleteYou just light up my life, Gabrielle! I, too, finally got to the point that I'm going to make ME happy. I'm not rude to others, but I do what I want, within reason. If someone doesn't like me for it, that is THEIR problem. DO NOT dim your bulb just to be "socially acceptable". That is reverting back to doing what others want you to do. NO, be yourself, that beautiful, spontaneous (sp) woman. When I read that, the thing I laughed at most, I misread authentic as "autistic" and thought of your story last night.
ReplyDeleteYou just made my night!
OMG! THAT story. Talk about a situation where I could not say what I REALLY thought. I still have scars from digging my own fingernails into my arms to keep focused on being quiet. My job is just to do the ceremony, but oh how those pregnancy hormones caused me to giggle!
DeleteI think you're right. I think just making ourselves happy and not worrying if other people like us....that's my usual MO too. It's just when it comes to our children...I can just come out and say it. Last few years, she went to a school where right away, it was made clear we weren't welcome. I signed up at first to try to be involved, and witnessed a "head' of the parent's committee publically humiliate another parent (first meeting) - Then the head of the school reamed me in front of an hours long meeting for not breast feeding. I was a low producer, due to C section and HAD to supplement with formula. I was interested in being involved enough to drag my newborn to the hours long meetings, which really just involved a bunch of disorganized back biting - and this woman called me out for not breast feeding right there in front of all these mean people. I was livid. hen, it was brought to my attention by an employee there that the head of daycare was making fun of my fitness and weight loss goals AND calling River (then) three months old - "Cry me a River". When I confronted her, the organization as a whole acted like I was crazy. Though I wanted to pull Z out of their substandard school right away, I didn't want to shake up her routine, so I had to spend the rest of the year keeping quiet and being an outsider. I probably won't let that happen again. Luckily, this year we are at a new school, where Administration seems much more rational.
I adore you too! We must hang out again soon!
Renae, I meant to respond to your sweet comments right away, and then time got away from me. For some reason I cannot comment from my mobile, and it's tough to get on the laptop or desktop with Mr. River wanting to get into everything I'm doing. I think I should work on not taking things too personally too. It's always a tough one for me. I want to be liked, but often find the price of fitting in is not saying what I really think. Sometimes, people say things to me and I think: "Geeze, if I said that to you, you'd freak the hell out!" And when I do say what I think, it's as if I peed in their cornflakes.
ReplyDeleteLove you love you love you!
xoxoxoxoxo forever
Peanut