The Appendix

All the garbage words

Came raging down

In fever and storm

Dreams of never never

And late night marble floor near death

Scramblings to keep my post

Christmas morning gleeful cries

Saved a few hours in the air

Green she male scoldings

All that is mean in the world

In my belly growing growing

Bewilderment and ice

To travel home and check my life

More lights and presents

And asking when it's okay

To count my own life dear

And give up my fight to skilled hands

Finally, I marched in

They said I could have died

Not the first time I've heard such 

The realization of my own worth

Burns like time

Watching a Falcon on the fence 

Near my window

Babies crying in the stars

Raise more questions 

As all left unanswered

Cowers and dies

Fresh start starts tonight

Goodbye goodbye

Appendix of my soul's story.

Tears 12/17/13

Tears streaming down your face,

And you don’t know what to do,

When no one ever listens,

Or ever knows the real you.

Feeling trapped inside yourself,

Because no one wants to hear,

The things inside that make you, you,

The hopes, the dreams, the fear.

So you put a smile on your face,

And pretend it’s all alright,

To just get through another day,

To face the lonely night.

12/17/13 TLA

Sleeping in December Would Be Good...

Dear Insomnia,

What is it about December

That causes me to remember

All those reasons I can't sleep

Only secrets sleepless nights do keep

All that runs through my head

All this holiday I do dread

Reminding me I've so much to do

Only this hard month to get through

Presents to wrap and unwrap

Snow and commercials and all that crap

Family all nestled in our bed

While wild monkeys dance in my head

I can't tell you exactly what it is

Only that it's hard, this Christmas biz

And it's only the 5th or so

With so many days left to go

It's supposed to be all about cheer

But it gets more commercial every damn year

A few more weeks and I'll be free

Sand, surf, and lovely palm trees

To all the other sleepless fools

Writing poetry to save their souls:

I wish you love may you indeed be merry!

Hugs, 

The Insomniac Christmas Fairy

Never Again 11/17/13

Never again,

Will I be defeated,

Never again,

Will I be mistreated.

Never again,

Will I feel the shame,

Never again,

Will I be the same.

Never again,

Will I take an excuse,

Never again,

Will I take your abuse.

Never again,

Will I ever believe,

Never again,

Will I be that naïve.

Never again,

Will I have to run,

Never again,

Because I am done.

11/17/13 TLA

Never, Never 11/15/13

I thought I was lost forever,

In your land of never, never.

Where all there ever were were lies,

And never any compromise.

Where I was under your control,

And never able to feel whole.

Where life became nothing but despair,

And never coming up for air.

Where myself was sunk so deep,

And the way back was oh, so steep.

But then I knew I must escape,

From this hell that had taken shape.

Before I lost all that was me,

I found my wings and set myself free.

And though you try to keep control,

I took it away to make myself whole.

Now you have been banished forever,

In your land of never, never.

11/15/13              TLA

The Smell of You 11-12-13

Driving around with you on my mind,

Smelling the cologne that you left behind,

Alone with thoughts that are always confined,

Always afraid of words that are unkind.

Wanting to say the words that I feel,

But fear of rejection won’t let me reveal,

These feelings I’m feeling that I must conceal,

Keep them hidden behind a will made of steel.

Always wishing that I wasn't me,

Tired of being the one that nobody sees,

Oh, can’t somebody please hear my plea,

I just want to be more than just what you see.

But I keep it inside and that’s where it will stay,

And I’ll feel these feelings day after day,

But you’ll never know because I'll never say,

And the smell of you will just fade away.

11/12/13 TLA

Arm Band

Arm Band

I remember when I was young, people used to wear black arm bands when a hero died.  I have no idea where this comes from. I don't even want to know. 

When I got the news Lou Reed died, I was in the middle of making pink princess cupcakes.  I'm a damn competent baker,  and Zella pretty much dictates the designs at this point. We did perfect sift, organic food dye, crowns and well, all our best at making the perfect princess cupcakes. We made too much, so we took some over to a loved friends house. Then the news came. Lou Reed dead. 71?

I still can't explain why, but somewhere in the middle of dropping off the over abundance of perfect pink princesses cupcakes, and stopping to get a picture frame, driving to Safeway, driving back to the house to try to make everything perfect princess pink Perfect, I lost my shit. I cried and cried and cried. Why? I did not know Lou Reed, he was my father's age. He tested the waters of his own mortality WAY before I even had time to listen to his music, poetry, writing. So, why all this crying? 

We presented the perfect pink princess cupcakes.  Everyone agreed they were awesome.  (I'm a competent baker.)  I kept a straight face. We drove home.  I told my family to go inside.  I mentally put on a black arm band and went running like crazy in the dark.

Checking the thoughts in my head, I came up with this:  we all die.  It's just that I've been such a pussy about struggling so hard for acceptance from others, when this guy endured shock treatment in the 1950's for who his surrounding guides thought he may or not be at the time.  He gave, me, US, little children music to live and die by during our own selfish experimental phases in the 80's and 90's; and whether you agreed with his choices or not, he set a standard of "take it or leave it" that I will think about for years after my own perfect pink princess cupcake death.

So here's my black arm band, black standing for the entire spectrum of color. I did put one on this week, it was only to try to fool Tamara that I was Dave Grohl- and it was made out of Adam's work sock:

I love you Lou Reed!  Thank you for all you brought!

I'll be your mirror

Reflect what you are, in case you don't know

I'll be the wind, the rain and the sunset

The light on your door to show that you're home

When you think the night has seen your mind

That inside you're twisted and unkind

Let me stand to show that you are blind

Please put down your hands 'cause I see you

I find it hard to believe you don't know

The beauty you are

But if you don't let me be your eyes

A hand to your darkness, so you won't be afraid

When you think the night has seen your mind

That inside you're twisted and unkind

Let me stand to show that you are blind

Please put down your hands 'cause I see you

I'll be your mirror

I'll be your mirror

I'll be your mirror

Happy Halloween

Regarding Light

Quote:

"...Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. 

Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.

It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.

We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? 

Actually, who are you not to be? 

You are a child of God.

Your playing small does not serve the world.

There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. 

We are all meant to shine, as children do.

We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. 

It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone.

And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.

As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."

        

Make No Prisoners

Take no prisoners

Leave no scars

Make no scapegoats 

In personal wars

Let go, forgive

Life has so many roads

Look at us all

Carrying these heavy loads

Put oneself in another's place

Put on your classiest face

Face means true reflection 

Of us in time and space

Lean not too hard on needing

Let not time take away our learning

Personal growth

Comes from our yearning

To be better all around

This much is true

Stranger or friend

You are me, I'm you.

Still strive not to hold

People close through fear

Love is not given 

By fear year after year

Love is only given

Through freedom we know

So rock on with your bad self

And let it all go

Make no prisoners 

In your quest to be you

When the blue star shines in heavens

All love will poke through

No one left out

No one left on the run

At the end of the day

We are all the same ONE.

Helpless (9/29/13)

You feel so damn helpless,

Not knowing what to do,

Looking down to see the one,

Who used to carry you.

First she carried you inside,

Then held you in her arms,

Kept you safe and warm and loved,

And protected you from harm.

Now there's nothing you can do,

To make it all okay,

It all weighs heavy on your mind,

While you pace and rage and pray.

The helplessness just eats at you,

While you gently take her hand.

You try to stop the tears that fall,

But you'll never understand.

So you hold her close until it's time,

And whisper in her ear,

Tell her “Mom, I love you,”

And try to alleviate her fear.

She feels the love and when she goes,

Your love will be her guide,

She'll be ready to make the journey,

For those she loves are by her side.

9/29/13 TLA

Rhyme or Reason (9/29/13)

There is no rhyme or reason,

Only the changing of the season.

Wanting only to make sense,

Being lost your only defense.

Wanting only to break out,

Breaking the chains of all your doubt.

Use your mind and use your time,

To find the reason in the rhyme.

Your doubts will forever cease,

And only then will you find peace.

9/29/30 TLA

Lost (9/29/13)

We're all a little lost sometimes,

Wandering through life alone,

Always being the odd one out,

Even now when grown.

Smiling like everything's okay,

Pretending it's the norm,

But inside always crying out,

Riding out the storm.

Always waiting for that one,

To come and take your hand,

Who makes you feel like you belong,

Who might just understand.

9/29/13 TLA

Today-Remembering

If anyone is in the mood, feel free to share 911 stories.  I will be on the go today and may or may not.  I still get very emotional about this day.

Re Fitting in or Not

My Laptop is acting all wonky, so I have to make a PS comment here via mobile.

PS

Out of the school situation that wasn't such a great experience for us-we did manage to meet so many great loving accepting people, all of whom we will be friends with for life.

Just because I express one sentiment, I don't mean to sound ungrateful.  Because we ARE so so grateful.  Especially for all our loving friends who do accept us for who we are. 

And we are even grateful for those who don't, for we have learned so much at every challenge. 

I think the question is now-not HOW do I fit in but WHERE do I have the MOST gratitude and joy-and BE there. 

Lots of transitions up ahead! Good to have figured this out now! Love to you all.

Beacon 9/9/13

This one is for Gabbie:

Don't ever let them dim your light,

Not even for awhile.

It matters not what others think,

You're making life worthwhile.

Keep true to who you really are,

Not what others want to see.

Don't ever let them take away,

What you were meant to be.

For you're a beacon in the dark,

A glow, a light, a flame,

Showing how to really live,

And in that there is no shame.

Keep living how you're living,

To critics bid, “Adieu,”

Spread your light; don't dim it,

And never give up you.

9/9/13 TLA

New Theme?

It's so complicated.  If we know we shine bright, vibrate at a high frequency, have much more energy than some, are we meant to keep on shining bright, or are we meant to dim our bulbs for fear of not fitting in?  How do we get along?  I'm often told that my energy is intense and scares most people.  My heart sinks.  The last thing I want is to bother anyone.  It's a lifetime of not fitting in, that I've just grown used to, and yes, sometimes I do purposely dim my bulb to try to not make waves.  I'm just a big old freak who loves life.  I'm creative in that I see a play, a painting, a song in everything-and to me, life is sweet and juicy and fun.  I know I exhaust the hell out of people who don't quite know how to have fun.  What's worse, they think I don't see the eye rolls and sighs when I speak of something creative.  It used to really hurt my feelings.  I've been misjudged as crazy, or aggressive, or flighty, and sometimes even snooty.  Those rare few real friends know different.  They know I'm just a really funny human having an authentic experience and I learn fast and laugh at myself a lot along the way and write a few poems about it.  So, the question remains, are we to shine brighter, even if sometimes it explodes dim lightbulbs?  Are we to keep on shining, despite the stern judgements and queer looks.  "I just don't know what to make of her..."  Or must we dim our bulbs in order to survive socially?  Must we pretend not to hear the passive aggressive manipulations, the condescending comments, the grey alien hive mind stifling our inner goddessness?  :)

And what pray tell do we teach our bright children?  With this in mind, my inclination is flagrant shining.  Sadly, that doesn't make too many friends in Stepford.   

Thoughts?

More Pet Peeves

Yep, Bad Manners

Liars

Holier-than-thou-ers

Aggressive Sales Tactics

Judgey Types

Other Moms who think when they "delegate", people don't see through their BS

Namby Pamby limitations brought on by sheeple-ish memes.

Anyone who tries to tell me what to do

....

and especially

Drama queens, whiners, and perpetual victims.

Pet Peeve (8/31/13)

Ah... pet peeves... I have my fair share. But probably close to the very top of my list is a complete lack of manners. I try to instill manners into my children but sometimes I feel like I'm fighting an uphill battle. When we go out and we gets doors slammed in our faces or a complete lack of  "Please" and "Thank you," the kids don't always understand why THEY should have manners when the majority doesn't. But it really is quite simple; it's the right thing to do. If people would only have manners, this world would be a much more pleasant place.

8/31/13
TLA

Our Blood (G. 8.30.2013)

Our blood survives

Mixed with yours

Continents once joined

Divided by ancient wars

Settlers invited

And uninvited

Pierced our costal shores

Glad to have escaped

Distant tyrannies 

Mixing destinies 

At first accepted

Only what was given

Then tainted hearts

Took and took

Until we were driven

Scattered, shattered

Histories and lies

Ignoring our cries

To preserve our medicines

Your god knew better?

Our ancestors grew weary

Of the "settlers"

And hid away 

In our DNA

But you will never kill

What is real

Preserved in soil and song

There all along

With the stars and skies

Our blood survives.

Dust

So much I want to say

So much I already do

What will get through?

What will get done?

Before I run and run?

Escaping heat

Will I ever beat?

Time? No?

Still I go and go!

Fighting against the grain

Some say I'm insane

But I'm really so tame

Compared to most 

Who don't except being host

To chaos peace and love

Looking far above

Rhyme and reason 

Know it alls who fall

Leaving me to collect

The ruins of the day

And give over to the sway

Of love and trust

I'll sleep when I'm dust.

Knowing I did all I could.

Judge Me Not (8/20/13)

This is #2 of last week's themes. I've been running a bit behind.

You don't know where I've been,

Nor what I have been through.

You look down upon me,

As if somehow you knew.

You don't have the slightest,

Of the hours I put in,

Supporting my children,

Building them up within.

I may work lots of hours,

But never miss a game,

Helping with their homework,

Which others cannot claim.

To those that will judge me,

And all I haven't got,

What I have... happiness,

So you may judge me not!

8/20/13 TLA

San Francisco

Written on my 9 year anniversary of leaving you, inspired by Velouria by The Pixes

Oh mother place

I miss your face

Sacred womb

Where I once bloomed

Holding me so close

Burritos sing 

Oh eat me now

You can really eat

Guacamole

Gabrielle Gabrielle

You don't really smell

My Gabrielle My Gabrielle

Fly above

The golden gate

Far above the moon,

After drinking at Alibi-on

My City rock-s 

Oh Gabrielle, O Gabrielle

You'll be here soon

My San Francisco

And the soul than shines

On the ever

And the city that shines

On my soul forever

Together forever

My San Francisco

A Pet Peeve-Gabrielle

The Theme from Goodfellas!

Eeeeek!

It gives me panic attacks!

Next weeks theme or idea

Pet Peeves! 

Rargh!

Here it is. The good, the bad the ugly!

Name your worst annoyances and pet peeves. Don't hold back.

Haiku Therapy

(When something excites me, or in this case aggravates me, I write a Haiku and somehow breathe easier.  2 themes this week: saying goodbye to passive aggressive people.  And - this ones a biggie-people who have no clue what kind of effort some things take with two kids in tow.  In a lot of ways, the past few weeks have been a great shaking up, revealing people's true colors, showing me my own bottom line of what I won't tolerate in my life.  As I draw that bottom line in the sand, I make room for friends who do show respect.  It's not just me going through it.  I seem to be hearing the same stories everywhere.  People are eager to make positive changes.  I like to call this time a friendshift.)

The Haiku

Weak little people

Enjoy laying thick guilt trips

The strong know better

Some Rhyming for Tam

Charming Imperfections

Thanks for not judging me

Because my house is a mess

Trying to clean after kids

Is way too much stress

Besides I'd rather run and play

With my darlings, you know

Cheddar bunnies smashed in car

No shower, on the go

Thanks for your kindness

And mommy camaraderie 

Thanks for not judging

This mess that is me

I know you know

What's it's like to run wild

Fostering dreams

Of an imaginative child

The food in my teeth

The loose hair of my bun

It's the best I can do

Always on the run

From play date to school

To party to fair

I do my best to organize 

To show how I care

For my darling kiddos

And you do the same

It's all in a day

Of the momminess game

A Stepford I'm not

No perfection here

You  understand my state

And lend a sympathetic ear

While some moms claim

They've got it all together

We smile and wink

Because we do know better

Try to keep it all straight

And we'll never win

Better to have a messy life

And happy children!

Thank you to all 

My cool Mom friends 

It means the world

To be liked for who I am

Imperfections (8/11/13)

Not so perfect,

Full of flaws,

Hope for the best,

But grasp at straws.

No one wants you,

The way you are.

They want perfections,

And you're so far.

You live your life,

In the shadow of all,

Being a doormat,

And feeling so small.

The day must come,

When you throw off the fear,

Embrace imperfections,

Staring back from the mirror.

Love yourself,

Is what you must do.

Flaws be damned,

When you love you for you.

8/11/13 TLA

Loving The Rain

As the rain falls today, I'm feeling  grateful. Here in Colorado, we've been in a drought for the last few years, and we've also had some pretty nasty forest fires. Where rain used to mean not playing outside - bad, boring or restrictive; now it means, quenching Colorado's thirst, not so much lawn watering restrictions, putting out fires, making green grass, etc. For many of us, it means a break from the stifling, cranky heat. I adore running outside in the park way when it's cooler.

Every time the weather shifts, I can't help but feel a shift in the patterns of my life as well. This time it's all about letting go of things that don't work, whether they be ideas, bad habits, or potentially toxic acquaintances. As the rain falls, the old energies are cleansed and the ground softens, making space for new energy to grow. So, since the rain started, I've slept better, and had these amazing psychedelic dreams. I've also started a new gym routine; one that is more balanced and incorporates Spin, Yoga, Weights, Boot Camp, Bar, Pilates, and Swimming. 

Let there be more rain this Summer, and more space to grow and shift in positive directions; allowing in only positive proactive friends, healthy habits, and tons of love for us all.

Birthdays

When I was little, birthdays in my house were a pretty big event.  I remember dinners out, trips to Disneyland, slumber parties, cakes with candles and a lot of presents.  My parents spoiled me (rightfully so, of course).

As I grew up - well into my 20's, I loved my birthday.  Every year, in the middle of summer, I would look for items at the grocery store that had expiration dates on my birthday.  It meant my birthday was nearing!  I loved my birthday!

And then...I turned 30.  I cried.  Birthdays were suddenly so cruel. How could I be a year older?  Where did my 20's go?  The decade of my life that I loved so much.  I suddenly became like almost everyone else that doesn't celebrate their birthday after a certain age.  I tried to ignore my birthdays.  "Don't get me anything!" I'd say sadly.  I don't celebrate birthdays anymore!  I'd put grocery items back on the shelf if my birthday was the expiration date.  I didn't need that reminder!

Sometimes I even lost track of how old I really was.  I'd have to calculate my age quickly when people would ask.  I tried my best to just completely forget that I was getting older.

And then - I turned 41.  And then, I got cancer.  Twice.

Birthday Cake for my 42nd Birthday
during cancer treatment.  My daughter
and friends made it - and put 42 candles
on it.  Fire Hazard!!

And all I wanted more than anything in the world was MORE birthdays!  MORE years!  MORE time!
Please!  Please let me live another year!  Would it be too much to ask for 5 more years?  10 more years?  To see my children grow up?  To see them get married?  To meet my grandchildren?  How much could I hope for?

Now I'm 43.  I've been in remission from breast cancer for 16 months.  I turn 44 next month.  I'm thrilled!

Oh sure, I have gray hair and there are a few wrinkles cropping up.  But, I welcome them now.  Look at what I went through to get here!  I earned them all!  And I'm just so thankful to be here for another year...and another...and another...and another.

I still don't quite acknowledge my true age.  I say I'm turning 35.  I spent 2 years at 39 and then started aging backwards.  That makes THIS birthday my 35th (again). That's just smart math, in my opinion.

Perhaps Birthdays aren't as much about aging - but more about perspective.  Embrace them - no one knows how many more they have.  Even though we lament getting older, I, for one, am glad to get the second chance to do so.

Rain 8/6/13

Okay, here's one that's actually about the theme of the week:

The rain, it falls down from the sky,

It splitter splats the walk.

The colors streaming down the lane,

From a sidewalk filled with chalk.

The jump ropes lay abandoned,

No hands to twirl them round.

The balls have been abandoned,

And strewn across the ground.

The rain starts coming down in sheets,

Dashing any hope for play.

A collective sigh floats through the house,

Wishing the rain away.

8/6/13 TLA

Tears 8/6/13

I sat down to write about rain, but this came out instead.

The tears stream down,

You wipe them away,

You wish they'd stop falling,

Al least for one day.

But you can't stop the memories;

You can't stop the dreams,

And you can't stop your mind,

And its wild extremes.

You don't enjoy anything,

You're trapped in your head.

You'd give anything to change it,

And live another life instead.

But you decide to wait it out,

You patiently wait for the day,

That the tears will stop streaming down,

And everything will be okay.

8/6/13 TLA