Mandi

Thunder boomed,

Lightening flashed,

Rain came down,

Winds lashed.

So very loud,

Oh, so bright,

Both storm and you,

Flash in the night.

A mighty storm,

Yells the sky,

Loud and clear,

Was your goodbye.

TLA 7/30/14-1/9/15

Sonnet 1 (Closure) 6/2/14

The years go by without ever seeing,

And never knowing what happened that night,

Were you watching me as I was fleeing?

Or turn away as I ran out of sight?

It wasn’t my choice to turn and run out,

That decision made completely by you.

Whatever the reason; love, hate or doubt,

The answer was something I never knew.

I’ve come to realize after all these years,

The truth is something I’ll never know.

It’s time to put away sadness and tears,

And bring all those memories to a close.

The time has come to pack away the pain,

Leaving memories before that night came.

6/2/14 TLA

Autumn (Rondeau) 6/1/14

Waiting for autumn to show its face,

The heat of the summer it will replace.

The changing leaves they sit atop,

Multi-colored before they drop,

To float to the ground with grace.

The air gets crisp with just a trace,

Of the heat of the summer in this place,

And very soon they will make the swap,

Waiting for autumn to show its face.

For the Earth is ready to slow its pace,

Slowing down from summer’s warm embrace,

Readying itself for the first raindrop,

Knowing it’s time for the heat to stop.

The poor scorched Earth it will erase,

Waiting for autumn to show its face.

6/1/14 TLA

*First attempt at Rondeau poem

Goodbye (Villanelle) 6/1/14

Sometimes you have to say goodbye,

To those you meet along the way,

Then they’re gone and we never learn why.

Some are gone in the blink of an eye,

They’re here and then they go away,

Sometimes you have to say goodbye.

We rage, we cry, we try to deny,

We get on our knees and pray,

Then they’re gone and we never learn why.

Others linger, they will defy,

They do all they can to stay,

Sometimes you have to say goodbye.

But, no matter how hard they try,

They eventually fade away,

Then they’re gone and we never learn why.

Some walk away, others die,

There are things you never get to say,

Sometimes you have to say goodbye,

Then they’re gone and we never learn why.

6/1/14 TLA

*First attempt at Villanelle poem.

Reflection 6/1/14

That reflection that I see each day,

The one that always stares my way.

Why can’t I accept the one who stares,

Why must I continue to always compare?

Why can’t I change it; the one that I see?

Why can’t I accept the one that is me?

6/1/14 TLA

Decisions 6/1/14

If I could only have one wish,

Would I go back and change the past?

Would I change the mistakes that I have made,

Or leave the die as cast?

Would I choose another path,

And start is all anew?

Or would I own up to all my mistakes,

Of which there are more than a few.

Would I keep the love as is,

All the love and pain and sorrow?

Or would I give it all away,

To have a new tomorrow?

But all I am and all I’ll be

Is based on what I’ve sown.

So I think I’ll leave it all intact,

Everything that I have known.

6/1/14 TLA

For A Brother

I almost accidentally
Swallowed your poison pill
Every word soaked
In toxic ill will
Mellifluous monotony
Slowly strangles
While the rotten carrot
Quickly dangles
To be your family hurts
Like a deep stab wound
But severed nerves
Stop the pain
So soon
As I choose not to swallow
Whilst you play ever the victim
And wretch and wallow
While I fade into the pale hallow
Of life's most difficult choices
Ignoring phantom voices
To live or to die
To give up
Or continue to try
To understand your constant
Need for drama
And chaos and lack
No. This time I walk
Away
And never look back.

Lines 5/7/14

There’s a fine line,

Between love and hate,

The space in between is lies.

Lies that spill forth,

Without any guilt,

And always in disguise.

Disguised as the truth,

It’s so hard to tell,

Even within your eyes.

Eyes that deceive,

Just as your lips,

And the truths that they revise.

Revise the line,

And the line gets crossed,

And all that’s left are lies.

TLA 5/7/14

The Credits Roll 3/4/14

At the end the credits roll,

You tried so hard to keep control,

You did until they pierced your soul,

Until you felt you’d never be whole.

You tried so hard to chase the dream,

To only find it’s all a scheme,

To take away your self-esteem,

And leave you there with your silent scream.

You wanted so much to feel the hand,

That would cover yours and help you stand,

But all it ever did was demand,

A sick loyalty you couldn’t understand.

So you took the pain and made it your own,

And held it close so it was unknown,

Through it all it’s only grown,

And in the end you’re still alone.

TLA

Aunt Donna 3/3/14

The middle of the night in late October,

It was just like any other night,

The kids were asleep, the house was dark,

But the porch was awash in light.

It lit the porch, it lit the room,

That it was on there was no doubt,

But upon waking in the morning,

The first thing I noticed was it was out.

I walked over to flip the switch,

Assuming the bulb had blown,

It took a second to realize,

The switched had flipped off on its own.

I stood and pondered for a time,

My mind filled with my frustration,

I finally chocked it up to nothing,

It was just my imagination.

So I went and turned my music on,

As I do each and every morning,

And twice it turned off on me,

Without giving me any warning.

The radio has not done that since,

It had never done it before,

But as irritated as I was by it,

It was something I chose to ignore.

It wasn’t too long after this,

I got the call and then I couldn’t deny,

The events that took place that morning,

Was Aunt Donna saying, “Good-bye.”

For Aunt Donna (12/24/43-10/23/12)

Mr. H

It was the first big snow, and I knew it was not going to be an ordinary day. So much was happening and I was just trying to keep it together. There was a weird energy with this one. I had done so many weddings before, some celebrity, some for friends, but after the rehearsal a few days before, I just had a feeling I should stay at the top of my game because this one was somehow different. The bride was a very well respected acquaintance, the groom, an interesting person, and the family – eccentric. What threw me off was the energy of the location. I’ve probably visited many haunted places over the years, and I have a long history with being able to sense and smell and hear things that I believe most people don’t. I always try to never buy into it too much, even though I know it’s there. I am just very fond of being in the now, and I don’t usually feel like I want to delve into unseen mysteries. Just being in this life is complicated enough.

After visiting the mansion, for the first time, I felt a strong presence. I did a bit of research and I learned others claimed the mansion was ‘haunted'. I stopped myself from reading too much into it. I have a big thing about other people’s judgments, and I just feel really strongly about figuring things out for myself and not supporting gossip. 

It was 11.11. 2012, and the bride requested the ceremony be at 11:11 am.  I made a gorgeous hand crafted wedding vows book to read from. My then 18-month-old son was teething, and my three-year-old daughter were growing restless. As the snow fell, I waited in the back of the mansion with the bride’s famous artist father. 11:12, 11:13, 11:14. The wedding planner came to announce the groom had arrived late. The guests seemed apprehensive. Finally, we were given the go ahead to proceed. 

I mustered all I had learned from experience – leant positive energy to the crowd, preformed the rites I had written, and saw that couple through to legal marriage, the final kiss, and everyone was finally relieved. Deep breaths.

Suddenly, it was all over. I announced that the reception would follow downstairs in the old theater room, as Gypsy Swing Review began playing old Jaingo Reinhardt tunes. I knew my husband had taken our children outside, because I could hear my teething son fussing during the ceremony. I was the first one down the stairs. Champagne was indeed calling.

It was just about noon as I made my way down. On the middle of the staircase, a guest came out of nowhere. He had an old fashioned way of touching my arm just at the elbow. As he spoke, I remember looking at his striking glasses. They just don’t make them like that anymore. Maybe Gucci does. He must be a friend of the bride's father. The smiling man seemed to know my name.

“Gabrielle. It’s nice to meet you. I’m Ab. I must say that this is the nicest ceremony I’ve ever seen here.”

I was feeling slightly uncomfortable, but his compliment put me at ease. I made my way to the Champagne stand as the music roared and jangled. My husband came down with the kids. Ab sat in an old wall seat. I was surprised he wasn’t mingling with any other guests. He just seemed to be taking it all in. I could tell he truly appreciated the music, as did I. My whole life, I always felt I belonged in the 20's, and the music made me feel nostalgic for a time I cannot remember except in sepia flashes. He stood out in a dashing way; his well tailored suit shined extraordinary in a room full of money. His Bakelite frames glittered in the lights as my daughter danced The Charleston with the flower girl. I listened intently to the strange white noise of him sitting alone, thinking I should introduce him to my husband at first chance.

Smiling thoughtfully from the wall seat, he seemed to communicate to me telepathically:

“This is a good time for you. Money is no problem. You will reach success. Your wildest dreams will come true. The world is looking out for you.”

Slightly bewildered, I tried to visit with other guests while simultaneously managing my husband's stress-as our son kept climbing the stairs. That’s what kids that age do. I intended to introduce Ab to my family but I turned around he vanished. I figured he was dancing or mingling, and trusted I would find him later. 

“Please get River!” My husband pleaded. 

I turned and our son was already at the top of those stairs again, so I promptly chased him into the old library. 

River giggled and looked up the wall. My face went white. Am I drunk? No, I had two sips. There, hanging on the wall was an old portrait of “Ab”.

Later, I finally finished the research: Apparently "Ab” was A.E.H. who had shot himself in the head there in a reported 'accident' in 1927, allegedlly, to avoid being forced to implicate important political friends in the Tea Pot Dome Scandal hearings the following business day. 

“This is the best ceremony I’ve ever seen here” was a kind compliment to my work. Furthermore, out of all the people I've met, living or dead, Ab is certainly one of the good ones. After much thought, I resolved not to make too much more of it. A compliment is compliment after all.

Tomorrow's Theme

Supernatural Experiences 

I have a difficult time writing about this one. First of all, it's part of what makes me me. Second of all, I have the worst time just allowing myself to be me. If I wrote about everything that constantly goes on both inside and out that seems just a little weird, I'd be here all day. But, then, there are just sometimes things that occur, that you know, one day-you must spill. 

A few days ago, my wonderful husband gifted me with a gorgeous new computer, and I have yet to sit down and write on it. I've played with art and photos, yet danced around avoiding what I know I'm supposed to be doing.

Part of starting this blog was all about self acceptance. And a big part of celebrating being alive today is not worrying about what other people think anymore. It's about sharing our stories, our authentic perspective, telling the truth, being proud of who we are. I'm on my phone now, and I'm BUTT exhausted, but I'm about to get on that shiny new Tec goddess, and type out a story! 

So, post your supernatural experiences like it's raining Halloween. I can't promise I'll finish in time to post mine tomorrow. I'll do my best.

G

Getting Started 3/2/14

Getting started is never the problem,
It's finding the time to finish.

Today's Theme: Getting Started

Mental birth canal

The page will linger lonely

If I don't just push

April Song

Being a goddess isn't easy. Some days, she found herself so caught up in taking care of her mother, The Queen, and following the orders of her domineering sister, she forgot to eat; to nurture herself. Some nights, after tending to their soul sucking demands, she found herself sitting alone dreaming of a future filled with love and a Prince to recognize her kind heart reflected in her beauty. Alas, time was beating down her spirit. The more she met their demands, the more they demanded. Feeling lost, she knew it was time to make a change or die. 

She knew consulting The Oracle, was opening Pandora's Box. Still, she felt in the depths of her heart, that her destiny must be found, and she realized it could never be found tending to the needs of her never satisfied family. As she climbed the high cliffs over looking the turbulent sea, her long hair swept behind her beating her face, and her flowing gowns tore against her hips. Today was the day it would all be transformed. She threw a coin over the cliff as the fire in the ancient urn exploded before her. 

Breathless, she cried:

"Oracle! I am ready to change my destiny! To follow my stars! Please show me the way!"

The Ancient Voices of Love decreed:

"Put a Message in a bottle

For your sweet soul to find

Blow out out the unkind winds

And speak your beautiful mind

Cast forth your hearts true wish

And KNOW it will all unfold

You know there's never any satisfaction

In just doing what you are told

In other's limited lives

You they seek to confine

Afraid of their own freedom

Afraid of what they cannot define 

So do this act in faith 

With your heart all in: commit

Declare to your past ghosts

That you refuse to submit 

From this day forth, you shall

Truly remember who you are

Half of heavens twin flame love

A magical shooting star

The other half of your heart is in you

In all you shall see

And all you shall do

And he shall appear before you

Once you find the true you

So take heart my dear and trust

That this will all come to be

Remember who you are: a goddess

And set your pure heart free!"

With a roar, the fire went out and the sea subsided. She made her way back to the gates of the castle where she had a horse waiting. She knew it would take some time to find him, and she vowed to keep him in her heart's song all along the way. She felt it in her bones: This adventure would be a long one. Freedom always comes at a great price. Yet, the highest reward is found only in following ones heart. Today, she was certain she had taken the first step that would eventually lead her into the arms of her heart's hero: the other half of her brave soul.

Chasing the Shadow 2/24/14

I chased after that shadow,

For way too many years,

With nothing left to show for it,

Except years of heartache and of tears.

So many times I tried to let go,

Even succeeded a time or two,

Until the dreams would bring it back,

And haunt my days anew.

But I knew I had to do away,

With all the false hopes and dreams,

Because in the place where shadows dwell,

Nothing is ever as it seems.

So I put it away, though it took too long,

I should have done it years ago,

Now the shadow is finally laid to rest,

I finally let it go.

TLA 2/24/14

5 Weeks Ago Today

Celebrating every minute of every day. 5 weeks ago, I was lucky! Appendix ruptured, and peritonitis was setting in but I escaped death just in time. Gratitude hits me in waves;)

***********

No you just don't get me

Now your dark energy sets me free, even though you didn't mean it to be.

This time I let it ride, oh all the lines and lies

And lived in spite

Lies always killin me

But this time I know I'll live to see

The northern lights shining bright, on the end of the Earth.

More sunny days and party nights. 

All I am and can be again

You didn't kill you didn't win

I pushed the dark into the light

I sold your lies to buy my life

I'm well and good as I'll ever be

The toxic mass, absorbed your hate. I turned from anger to change my fate.

Dancing free, I finally found me. 

More Appendectomy Thoughts

One morning after a laparoscopic appendectomy, I awakened with the profound realization that my own existence does indeed have validity.  Upon that realization, I vowed to never again question my place in this world. Whether or not people like me-doesn't matter. Whether or not people outside of my beautiful family understand me-can no longer injure my feelings. Fear of being misunderstood and subsequently judged poorly, is as useful as my harvested appendix. I'm free to be myself-free to explore my own story as a writer; to celebrate that freaky story with love and pride. I own this. What a great gift for the new year. 

7 O'Clock 1/2/14

When 7 o’clock comes,

And you can’t make the call,

When you try to go on,

But feel lost in it all.

Where everything changes,

In the blink of an eye,

Where you can’t find your place,

No matter how hard you try.

How do you keep moving,

When you've lost your stride,

How do you face every day,

Knowing something has died?

Why can’t it be simple?

Why can’t you ever feel whole?

Why is the pain never-ending,

That you feel in the depth of your soul?

TLA

The Appendix

All the garbage words

Came raging down

In fever and storm

Dreams of never never

And late night marble floor near death

Scramblings to keep my post

Christmas morning gleeful cries

Saved a few hours in the air

Green she male scoldings

All that is mean in the world

In my belly growing growing

Bewilderment and ice

To travel home and check my life

More lights and presents

And asking when it's okay

To count my own life dear

And give up my fight to skilled hands

Finally, I marched in

They said I could have died

Not the first time I've heard such 

The realization of my own worth

Burns like time

Watching a Falcon on the fence 

Near my window

Babies crying in the stars

Raise more questions 

As all left unanswered

Cowers and dies

Fresh start starts tonight

Goodbye goodbye

Appendix of my soul's story.